NAACP to Birds Of A Feather Union: "Drop Your Discrimination Agenda"

AMERICA, USA

"If it's a choice between fight or flight, we'll do both."
Cherry Maynard, on behalf of the Birds Of A Feather. 

Following a series of statements made by Union Head, Cherry Maynard to TIME Magazine, the NAACP has stepped up to bat with the long-established B.O.F. Union, pressuring a change in leadership as well as an official refurbishment of its noted slogan, from “Birds Of A Feather Stick Together” to “Birds: A United Front Of Aviation.”

Cherry Maynard, presumably on behalf of the union she represents, has publicly maintained that she, nor her 191,000 card-carrying members will back down from her potentially damaging statements made on eagles, large insects and flamingos bred in captivity, on the grounds of historical association, "time honored tradition" and basic First Amendment Rights.

“My grandfather’s grandfather’s grandfather held the same values I do today. I refuse to be criminalized and degraded over Reverend Al Sharpton’s accusation of ‘discrimination’”

After much cyber-bullying, Reverend Al Sharpton refused comment to ANNT staff writer, Darien Clark.   

Family Of Birds Shocked By Surprise Eviction Notice From Christian Bale’s Beard

LOS ANGELES, CA

Picture from just four days ago. All parties
appear accepting of the living situation.

        Nightmares came true Wednesday morning for the Hatchers, a family of birds, who found themselves with an unexplained Notice of Eviction from local actor, Christian Bale, who claimed that his beard was to be renovated into condominiums, well out of the price range for the effected family. The hand-written note came without proper procedural documentation from Mr. Bale, who’s lawyers have declined comment to ANNT. Suddenly finding themselves homeless and confused, the Hatchers are taking the actor to court.

        “[Mr. Bale] has always treated us with respect and had, over all, maintained an open communication about all tenant issues. This was such a shock,” Linda Hatcher says through bridled tears, “We’ve been through so much together.”

        Mr. Bale’s security guard, when confronted by ANNT Celebrity and Avian Rights Correspondent, Darien Clark, quickly denied all allocations and insinuated that Miss Clark was “trespassing on private property.” Darien Clark, retorted that it was “in the name of Justice, something ‘The Batman’ should understand,” right before she was forcibly extracted from the Malibu estate late last night.

        The Hatchers, while waiting for, said, Justice have found a new home in Robin William’s chest hair. “He’s a beautiful man,” says Mrs. Hatcher, “A charitable, giving and beautiful man."

Oklahoma University Declares In The Name Of Science, “This Is Bullshit;” Llama Community Rejoices

PONCA CITY, OK

From left to right: Police Rendered Sketch of Minotaur and
regular bull. Citizens are asked to be on the look out for either.  

Oklahoma University Agricultural Scientists have found definitive evidence that a massive excrement deposit, found earlier this week on local farmer, Mr. Curtis Gladstone’s front porch can indeed be traced back to Bos Taurus roots, freeing local llama, Harry McDungeon Sr., from further police questioning as well as any and all charges of trespassing with the intent of vandalism.  The accumulation in question has fueled local disputes amongst specialty groups throughout the region for upwards of one week.
                “When the conglomeration of ‘night soil’ was first reported,” Lafreniére, head researcher on the case explains, “We were all very excited down at the lab. We’d never seen such a sizeable specimen…  It was really a testament to the power of nature.  After the conclusion of all tests, we can safely say that the pile in question hails from either a adolescent to full-grown bull or a minotaur of similar age.”
                “I’m just glad we know this is all bullshit,” Police spokesman Paul Buchenney declared in a press conference this afternoon, “And rest assured to the fine citizens of Ponca City, the perpetrator at large will be caught.  This shit will not stand for the fine people of Ponca City.  We’re on your tail, buddy.”
                Oklahoma border control has been asked to monitor and regulate all trans-state bovine or half-breed movement; citizens are asked to remain on the look out and report any strange or seemingly out of place amassments of ejectamenta, or mythical creatures hailing from any classification immediately.
                “We’re going to catch this guy with his pants down” says Sherriff Matt Marksett, “with his pants down.” 

Political Newcomer, Speckles Is Front Runner In Local Tennessee Election

COTTAGE GROVE, TN

University of Tennessee Political Science 

Professor, Dr. Daniel Young states that 

Speckles’ relaxed demeanor and apparent

 optimism appeal to the voters of today.            

County and State officials remain baffled as local horse, Speckles, continues to dominate pre-election polls.

            “This horse has no political background, no notion of the issues our county faces and, frankly, I would be utterly surprised to hear that he has any level of collegiate education, or any comparable trade school diploma,” local incumbent City Council Leader, Dutch Sniper has stated on public record and in his various ad campaigns. “And he's a horse… Am I the only one that sees that?”

            Cottage Grove horse advocate groups have stepped out, staking claim against Councilman Sniper's apparent prejudice in the matter, gaining public backing and polarizing voter demographics all over the county. Staging protests outside Councilman Dutch Sniper's private residence and sit-ins at the local Wal-Mart, outspoken equestrian rights group, Horse Organizations Requesting Social Equality (HORSE) has made their point loud and clear by recruiting voters from all walks of life.             

            “It just feels so good to wake up and feel like I'm making a difference,” Chase Atkins exclaims on the picket line outside Councilman Snipers property line, holding up a sign that reads: GOD DOESN'T HATE STAGS. GOD HATES YOU, DUTCH SNIPER. “I feel like Malcolm X, except with horses. Equus Americans are equal citizens and should be treated as such. The fact that such prejudice and hate is tolerated on a public level is absolutely disgusting. It makes me sick to my stomach,” he says, lighting a smoke bomb.

            Speckles did not give recorded comment, but seems very excited over the entire political progress. His representative and campaign manager, local tobacco farmer, David McAlister, went on record as stating “I'm just [pleased] the public has really taken to the idea. It's been really nice to see the community come together. If that isn't a testament to democracy, I don't know what is,” he takes off his hat, “I've gotten a lot of drinks bought for me in the past few weeks; Mainly because I signed my horse up for public office, but also because of Democracy.”

            Dutch Sniper, in his most recent public statement proclaimed, moonshine jug in hand, “You're all a bunch of --- fools. It's a God --- horse, y'all! Jesus Christ!”