PONCA CITY, OK
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| From left to right: Police Rendered Sketch of Minotaur and regular bull. Citizens are asked to be on the look out for either. |
Oklahoma University Agricultural Scientists have found definitive evidence that a massive excrement deposit, found earlier this week on local farmer, Mr. Curtis Gladstone’s front porch can indeed be traced back to Bos Taurus roots, freeing local llama, Harry McDungeon Sr., from further police questioning as well as any and all charges of trespassing with the intent of vandalism. The accumulation in question has fueled local disputes amongst specialty groups throughout the region for upwards of one week.
“When the conglomeration of ‘night soil’ was first reported,” Lafreniére, head researcher on the case explains, “We were all very excited down at the lab. We’d never seen such a sizeable specimen… It was really a testament to the power of nature. After the conclusion of all tests, we can safely say that the pile in question hails from either a adolescent to full-grown bull or a minotaur of similar age.”
“I’m just glad we know this is all bullshit,” Police spokesman Paul Buchenney declared in a press conference this afternoon, “And rest assured to the fine citizens of Ponca City, the perpetrator at large will be caught. This shit will not stand for the fine people of Ponca City. We’re on your tail, buddy.”
Oklahoma border control has been asked to monitor and regulate all trans-state bovine or half-breed movement; citizens are asked to remain on the look out and report any strange or seemingly out of place amassments of ejectamenta, or mythical creatures hailing from any classification immediately.
“We’re going to catch this guy with his pants down” says Sherriff Matt Marksett, “with his pants down.”
“When the conglomeration of ‘night soil’ was first reported,” Lafreniére, head researcher on the case explains, “We were all very excited down at the lab. We’d never seen such a sizeable specimen… It was really a testament to the power of nature. After the conclusion of all tests, we can safely say that the pile in question hails from either a adolescent to full-grown bull or a minotaur of similar age.”
“I’m just glad we know this is all bullshit,” Police spokesman Paul Buchenney declared in a press conference this afternoon, “And rest assured to the fine citizens of Ponca City, the perpetrator at large will be caught. This shit will not stand for the fine people of Ponca City. We’re on your tail, buddy.”
Oklahoma border control has been asked to monitor and regulate all trans-state bovine or half-breed movement; citizens are asked to remain on the look out and report any strange or seemingly out of place amassments of ejectamenta, or mythical creatures hailing from any classification immediately.
“We’re going to catch this guy with his pants down” says Sherriff Matt Marksett, “with his pants down.”
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