Local Celebrity Punxsutawney Phil Arrested After Alleged Drunken Bar Fight

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA

Police say local "hero" Punxsutawney Phil is convicted of
assault, conspiracy and public drunkenness. He is currently
released on bail and scheduled to appear in
public court July 16th, 2011.

Local Police forces were alerted Wednesday evening to a public disturbance claim at local-favorite bar, The Groundhog Brewery, where patrons reportedly witnessed State Hero Punxsutawney “Punxy” Phil drunkenly making outrageous claims and threatening citizens with a broken beer bottle and other makeshift weaponry.

            Police reports state that, at the time of arrest, P. Phil was drunk in public and threatening manslaughter of an area woman, Marsha Pedderson.  The threatened violence was apparently provoked after Punxsutawney Phil put his paw around local sports fan, Harry Barrett, and claimed to have more followers on Twitter than the celebrated Steelers Strong Safety, Troy Polamalu. Harrison Barrett, referencing his smart phone, informed "Punxy" Phil that his claim was unwarranted and false.  Allegedly, Punxsutawney Phil then broke a pool stick, mounted the bar, and wildly described the citizens of Punxsutawney as “blinded sheep.”

            “He kept on yelling about complex weather patterns and self-handedly holding the state of Pennsylvania afloat. He also brought the local Shriners chapter into things, screaming that we weren't supposed to lift the veil, or something like that,” eyewitnesses report. “He was crazed.” 

            “Punxsutawney Phil broke a pool stick into a jagged point and held it to my throat. He threatened to bite off my right breast and then stab my throat.  He also groped my private, as my husband was forced to watch.  He kept on saying that I was a cog...  That was when someone decided to call the authorities.  It was terrifying,” victim Marsha Pedderson is on record as saying, “I think I'll get my seasonal forecast from the Farmer's Almanac, next year.”

            Punxsutawney Phil, released on bail by his wife, has declined to comment on the allegations. Likewise, all members of The Inner Circle, the Shriners affiliate group responsible for the yearly festival, have declined any comment with ANNT.

            “That groundhog is ------ crazy.  Respect women, guys. Punxy and I have alot to talk about for sure. See you all Sunday!” exclaims Troy Polamalu, via Twitter.