Family Of Birds Shocked By Surprise Eviction Notice From Christian Bale’s Beard

LOS ANGELES, CA

Picture from just four days ago. All parties
appear accepting of the living situation.

        Nightmares came true Wednesday morning for the Hatchers, a family of birds, who found themselves with an unexplained Notice of Eviction from local actor, Christian Bale, who claimed that his beard was to be renovated into condominiums, well out of the price range for the effected family. The hand-written note came without proper procedural documentation from Mr. Bale, who’s lawyers have declined comment to ANNT. Suddenly finding themselves homeless and confused, the Hatchers are taking the actor to court.

        “[Mr. Bale] has always treated us with respect and had, over all, maintained an open communication about all tenant issues. This was such a shock,” Linda Hatcher says through bridled tears, “We’ve been through so much together.”

        Mr. Bale’s security guard, when confronted by ANNT Celebrity and Avian Rights Correspondent, Darien Clark, quickly denied all allocations and insinuated that Miss Clark was “trespassing on private property.” Darien Clark, retorted that it was “in the name of Justice, something ‘The Batman’ should understand,” right before she was forcibly extracted from the Malibu estate late last night.

        The Hatchers, while waiting for, said, Justice have found a new home in Robin William’s chest hair. “He’s a beautiful man,” says Mrs. Hatcher, “A charitable, giving and beautiful man."

Obesity Rate Skyrockets amongst American Dog Population; Local Affected Dogs Think It’s “Awesome”

LOS ANGELES, CA

The Association For Pet Obesity Prevention estimates that the obesity rate among America’s dogs has been on the rise for years, topping off at a record high this year of 78%.  Thanks to the introduction of “trans fats” into standard dog kibble, the influx of irrational and projecting pet owners and the ever increasing chemical enhancement of dog treats such as Beggin© Strips, America’s dog population is at an all-time high risk of diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure and other diseases.

Chowface.

“What an awesome time to be a dog,” declares Dozer, a French Bulldog-Schnauzer mix. “Oh God. Everything tastes amazing! I wake up every morning, just happy to be here. Our quality of life has really improved.”

“It used to be that the American Dream involved working hard your entire life and working your way up from rags to riches,” says Chowface, a canine based out of Metro Los Angeles, “The American Dream of today, and for my generation, is to wake up, do nothing and get rewarded for it with food. It’s my right to eat what I want, when I want and how ever much I want of it; America has finally lived up to it’s title. This is truly the land of the free.”

Most of the dogs interviewed, when given the option between a bowl of lean protein based kibble or a slow cooker filled with melted butter naturally gravitated towards the latter, ANNT Scientist Team Member, Darien Clark affirms.  A recent finding, in fact, concludes that dogs have no internal compass as far as nutrition is concerned. “I know there are consequences of my actions,” Chowface continues, lying on his side due to stomach ulcer-induced cramps, butter slowly dripping down his snout, “but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. It’s my American right to eat whatever I want and my American choice as to whether or not I have to go fetch that ball; and you know what? I never fetch it.”   

Fly-On-The-Wall Steps Down From Highly Coveted Position, Due To Self-Diagnosed “Trauma”

RENO, NV

"You want my job? Take it ----!You think you do,
Until you see what this world is really about. It's
not pretty, Man! It's not ---- pretty, or nice or special.
There is no God and I can prove it," Mr. Henry T.
Marksman, Fly On The Wall, yelled at passers-by,
gawking as the fly was escorted out of the court
room, early Monday morning.  

                Monday morning, Henry T. Marksman announced his Antliophora Committee retirement.  His claim was that the associated stresses of his position were causing physical and mental duress.  Mr. Marksman’s resignation is following suit in a recent trend of houseflies stepping down from the highly coveted position, causing concerns to rise amongst the fly community in regard to the working conditions and overall state of humanity.
                Although no public statement has been made on behalf of the Antliophora Committee, the group responsible for monitoring and regulating the Anthomyiid [House Flies] involvement and relationship with the non-fly sector of the population, ANNT’s Chief of “Insecta” Communications Director, Darien Clark, was able to get obtain a short interview with ex-committee member Marksman.
                When asked to cite his earlier statement from this morning in regard to the specific “stresses” mentioned, Mr. Marksman articulated at length on the certain unforeseeable depths that humanity has found itself.  “Witnessing the absolute floor-level of society has sent me, mentally, to places no one should ever find themselves; ever….  I mean, have you ever seen forced cannibalism… I didn’t think so.  You can tell when someone has seen something like that.”
                Sources close to Mr. Marksman, however, believe that his recent abdication may be part of a long staged legal battle the Ex-Committee Head has faced since the ruling of a Good Samaritan Lawsuit filed against the fly in early December of 2007. Public Records indicate that Mr. Marksman was accused guilty of witnessing not only first-degree murder, but also extortion, conspiracy, assault and illegal music downloading.  Mr. Marksman’s defense attorney dictated that, at the time of the alleged incidents, his client tried “frantically” to find an open window, from which to escape to inform the authorities. When Mr. Marksman was unable to initially find an open window, he tried again at the first window, in hopes of a different outcome. Failing that, he then tried the kitchen window again, “just in case.”
                Henry Marksman declined any comment in regard to the 2007 ruling, in our initial interview, citing the question as “irrelevant to anything that has ever mattered in the history of the world.”

Political Newcomer, Speckles Is Front Runner In Local Tennessee Election

COTTAGE GROVE, TN

University of Tennessee Political Science 

Professor, Dr. Daniel Young states that 

Speckles’ relaxed demeanor and apparent

 optimism appeal to the voters of today.            

County and State officials remain baffled as local horse, Speckles, continues to dominate pre-election polls.

            “This horse has no political background, no notion of the issues our county faces and, frankly, I would be utterly surprised to hear that he has any level of collegiate education, or any comparable trade school diploma,” local incumbent City Council Leader, Dutch Sniper has stated on public record and in his various ad campaigns. “And he's a horse… Am I the only one that sees that?”

            Cottage Grove horse advocate groups have stepped out, staking claim against Councilman Sniper's apparent prejudice in the matter, gaining public backing and polarizing voter demographics all over the county. Staging protests outside Councilman Dutch Sniper's private residence and sit-ins at the local Wal-Mart, outspoken equestrian rights group, Horse Organizations Requesting Social Equality (HORSE) has made their point loud and clear by recruiting voters from all walks of life.             

            “It just feels so good to wake up and feel like I'm making a difference,” Chase Atkins exclaims on the picket line outside Councilman Snipers property line, holding up a sign that reads: GOD DOESN'T HATE STAGS. GOD HATES YOU, DUTCH SNIPER. “I feel like Malcolm X, except with horses. Equus Americans are equal citizens and should be treated as such. The fact that such prejudice and hate is tolerated on a public level is absolutely disgusting. It makes me sick to my stomach,” he says, lighting a smoke bomb.

            Speckles did not give recorded comment, but seems very excited over the entire political progress. His representative and campaign manager, local tobacco farmer, David McAlister, went on record as stating “I'm just [pleased] the public has really taken to the idea. It's been really nice to see the community come together. If that isn't a testament to democracy, I don't know what is,” he takes off his hat, “I've gotten a lot of drinks bought for me in the past few weeks; Mainly because I signed my horse up for public office, but also because of Democracy.”

            Dutch Sniper, in his most recent public statement proclaimed, moonshine jug in hand, “You're all a bunch of --- fools. It's a God --- horse, y'all! Jesus Christ!”