Obesity Rate Skyrockets amongst American Dog Population; Local Affected Dogs Think It’s “Awesome”

LOS ANGELES, CA

The Association For Pet Obesity Prevention estimates that the obesity rate among America’s dogs has been on the rise for years, topping off at a record high this year of 78%.  Thanks to the introduction of “trans fats” into standard dog kibble, the influx of irrational and projecting pet owners and the ever increasing chemical enhancement of dog treats such as Beggin© Strips, America’s dog population is at an all-time high risk of diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure and other diseases.

Chowface.

“What an awesome time to be a dog,” declares Dozer, a French Bulldog-Schnauzer mix. “Oh God. Everything tastes amazing! I wake up every morning, just happy to be here. Our quality of life has really improved.”

“It used to be that the American Dream involved working hard your entire life and working your way up from rags to riches,” says Chowface, a canine based out of Metro Los Angeles, “The American Dream of today, and for my generation, is to wake up, do nothing and get rewarded for it with food. It’s my right to eat what I want, when I want and how ever much I want of it; America has finally lived up to it’s title. This is truly the land of the free.”

Most of the dogs interviewed, when given the option between a bowl of lean protein based kibble or a slow cooker filled with melted butter naturally gravitated towards the latter, ANNT Scientist Team Member, Darien Clark affirms.  A recent finding, in fact, concludes that dogs have no internal compass as far as nutrition is concerned. “I know there are consequences of my actions,” Chowface continues, lying on his side due to stomach ulcer-induced cramps, butter slowly dripping down his snout, “but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. It’s my American right to eat whatever I want and my American choice as to whether or not I have to go fetch that ball; and you know what? I never fetch it.”   

Fly-On-The-Wall Steps Down From Highly Coveted Position, Due To Self-Diagnosed “Trauma”

RENO, NV

"You want my job? Take it ----!You think you do,
Until you see what this world is really about. It's
not pretty, Man! It's not ---- pretty, or nice or special.
There is no God and I can prove it," Mr. Henry T.
Marksman, Fly On The Wall, yelled at passers-by,
gawking as the fly was escorted out of the court
room, early Monday morning.  

                Monday morning, Henry T. Marksman announced his Antliophora Committee retirement.  His claim was that the associated stresses of his position were causing physical and mental duress.  Mr. Marksman’s resignation is following suit in a recent trend of houseflies stepping down from the highly coveted position, causing concerns to rise amongst the fly community in regard to the working conditions and overall state of humanity.
                Although no public statement has been made on behalf of the Antliophora Committee, the group responsible for monitoring and regulating the Anthomyiid [House Flies] involvement and relationship with the non-fly sector of the population, ANNT’s Chief of “Insecta” Communications Director, Darien Clark, was able to get obtain a short interview with ex-committee member Marksman.
                When asked to cite his earlier statement from this morning in regard to the specific “stresses” mentioned, Mr. Marksman articulated at length on the certain unforeseeable depths that humanity has found itself.  “Witnessing the absolute floor-level of society has sent me, mentally, to places no one should ever find themselves; ever….  I mean, have you ever seen forced cannibalism… I didn’t think so.  You can tell when someone has seen something like that.”
                Sources close to Mr. Marksman, however, believe that his recent abdication may be part of a long staged legal battle the Ex-Committee Head has faced since the ruling of a Good Samaritan Lawsuit filed against the fly in early December of 2007. Public Records indicate that Mr. Marksman was accused guilty of witnessing not only first-degree murder, but also extortion, conspiracy, assault and illegal music downloading.  Mr. Marksman’s defense attorney dictated that, at the time of the alleged incidents, his client tried “frantically” to find an open window, from which to escape to inform the authorities. When Mr. Marksman was unable to initially find an open window, he tried again at the first window, in hopes of a different outcome. Failing that, he then tried the kitchen window again, “just in case.”
                Henry Marksman declined any comment in regard to the 2007 ruling, in our initial interview, citing the question as “irrelevant to anything that has ever mattered in the history of the world.”

Fifty-Seven Dead Bodies Found On Kitchen Counter

RIVIERA BEACH, FL

Riviera Beach Forensic Services inspect the home
mound of the nearly sixty victims, found dead Friday morning. 

South Florida authorities are currently at the scene of an apparent murder that has left as many as fifty-seven ants dead on the kitchen counter.

Riviera Beach Police spokeswoman Monica LaRenta-Cruz says a police officer was checking a suspicious vehicle early Friday morning when he heard what sounded like a muffled “ah geez” coming from a nearby apartment complex. When the officer left the vehicle and approached the home, he reported smelling the distinctive odor of insecticide and promptly called for backup.

“I know that smell,” Officer Ted Tawney confided with ANNT, “And it’s never good… It wasn’t pretty in there.”

Inside the home, officers found the bodies of nearly sixty ants, believed to be between the ages of 10 and 65 days. Two survivors were found, but early reports indicate one died in the ambulance while the other died an hour and a half later at the local hospital.

The couple occupying the apartment claim to have no affiliation with any of the victims and deny having any knowledge of the incident. Police forces have taken the couple into custody and are unable to release the names and identities of either suspect until further questioning is completed.

“This is just senseless,” a representative from the ant community in the backyard of the apartment complex has publicly stated, “just senseless.”