NAACP to Birds Of A Feather Union: "Drop Your Discrimination Agenda"

AMERICA, USA

"If it's a choice between fight or flight, we'll do both."
Cherry Maynard, on behalf of the Birds Of A Feather. 

Following a series of statements made by Union Head, Cherry Maynard to TIME Magazine, the NAACP has stepped up to bat with the long-established B.O.F. Union, pressuring a change in leadership as well as an official refurbishment of its noted slogan, from “Birds Of A Feather Stick Together” to “Birds: A United Front Of Aviation.”

Cherry Maynard, presumably on behalf of the union she represents, has publicly maintained that she, nor her 191,000 card-carrying members will back down from her potentially damaging statements made on eagles, large insects and flamingos bred in captivity, on the grounds of historical association, "time honored tradition" and basic First Amendment Rights.

“My grandfather’s grandfather’s grandfather held the same values I do today. I refuse to be criminalized and degraded over Reverend Al Sharpton’s accusation of ‘discrimination’”

After much cyber-bullying, Reverend Al Sharpton refused comment to ANNT staff writer, Darien Clark.   

Family Of Birds Shocked By Surprise Eviction Notice From Christian Bale’s Beard

LOS ANGELES, CA

Picture from just four days ago. All parties
appear accepting of the living situation.

        Nightmares came true Wednesday morning for the Hatchers, a family of birds, who found themselves with an unexplained Notice of Eviction from local actor, Christian Bale, who claimed that his beard was to be renovated into condominiums, well out of the price range for the effected family. The hand-written note came without proper procedural documentation from Mr. Bale, who’s lawyers have declined comment to ANNT. Suddenly finding themselves homeless and confused, the Hatchers are taking the actor to court.

        “[Mr. Bale] has always treated us with respect and had, over all, maintained an open communication about all tenant issues. This was such a shock,” Linda Hatcher says through bridled tears, “We’ve been through so much together.”

        Mr. Bale’s security guard, when confronted by ANNT Celebrity and Avian Rights Correspondent, Darien Clark, quickly denied all allocations and insinuated that Miss Clark was “trespassing on private property.” Darien Clark, retorted that it was “in the name of Justice, something ‘The Batman’ should understand,” right before she was forcibly extracted from the Malibu estate late last night.

        The Hatchers, while waiting for, said, Justice have found a new home in Robin William’s chest hair. “He’s a beautiful man,” says Mrs. Hatcher, “A charitable, giving and beautiful man."

Wolf Scheduled To Appear In Court Over Copyright Dispute With Williamsburgh, Brooklyn

NEW YORK, NY

One of the many pieces of filed evidence where wolf, Edgar
Wingett, has pointed out the illegal use of his likeness.

        Howling Wolf, Edgar Wingett, is seeking legal action against the entire Brooklyn neighborhood of Williamsburgh over alleged copyright infringement and illegal mobilization of shirts with Mr. Wingett’s image screen-printed across the breast of the tee shirt.

        “I own all rights to my image and likeness from that photo shoot,” Mr. Wingett has gone on record as saying. “Any and all use of that image has to pay royalties to my Estate. When I personally visited Brooklyn and saw the perpetrators, I think people were screaming because they knew I was there and I was not happy with the illegal use of my image. Point blank: I will get what is mine.”

        NYPD and Animal Control Services were quickly called onto the scene and, allegedly, Mr. Wingett and his family: wife, Marsha Wingett, and cubs: Lucy, Kyle and Marshall were quickly chased out of the borough and told to never come back. Neither government department gave confirmation of any events involving Mr. Wingett, or the alleged verbal abuse of the pack. 

        “That wolf is über critical, acute and consummately suffocating,” says Williamsburgh legal representation, Mr. Gabriel “Ethno” Giai-Martinez. “like, for totes."

        Mr. Wingett is scheduled to commence court proceedings on April 19^th, assuming Williamsburgh deems the date significant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-life-and-living enough to attend.    

High Speed Chase Continues Through Huntington Beach

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA

Local witness, Margaret Hatch
"You think you're safe in your own
neighborhood and then something like
this happens. I hope they catch them."

        Huntington Beach Police remain baffled as they continue the search for high speed chase initiate and local squirrel, Barton Rodriguez. 

        Reports started streaming in yesterday to ANNT Headquarters of a chase between two local squirrels that started in what early accounts defined as “horse play and fun” that quickly escalated into a full-on chase that lasted for upwards of 4 hours; the participants stopping only once to gather ground nuts and a french fry, the latter of which was stolen directly from local witness, Marty Henderson’s discarded McDonalds bag.

        If caught and convicted, Barton Rodriguez will face charges of robbery and evading police forces. The other squirrel involved is, as of yet, unidentified. 

Police Arrest 29 In Child Porn Sweep; Seven Filmed Puppies Finally Sent Home

TAMPA, FL

Shocking footage released just this morning by Tampa
Police, censored by ANNT

A child pornography sweep in the Tampa Bay area has netted 29 arrests and led to the rescue of seven puppies who said they were put in an excruciatingly plush pin with ample chew toys, biscuits & miniature soccer balls, and made to play for days on end, constantly being filmed against their will.

Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum and agency heads were in Tampa on Monday to announce the arrests, which included three stoned college students, fourteen bored employees of a leading advertising firm and a military police officer stationed at MacDill Air Force Base.

Sixteen agencies were involved in the sweep that began Feb. 8 and finished just this morning. Officials said thousands of accumulated hours of “painfully cute” puppy cam footage were found.

Eric Breensberg, a special agent with U.S. Immigration and Animal Enforcement, said those arrested in the sweep included "the absolute worst people ever.  Really.  Just impossibly terrible people.”

Local Goldfish Is Labeled "Unreliable Witness," Pulled From Murder Trial

Courtroom sketch taken just before sole witness: Gladys Ann Churchwood,
Goldfish, proclaimed "He was wearing a hat I think... no, he had an apple in his-
Wait. What was I saying? Where am I?" Mrs. Churchwood was, at length, dismissed
from the case, on the grounds that her memory span caps out at 35 seconds.
Defense attorneys are currently looking for alternative means of fulfilling their case. 

PANIC IN PORTLAND: Police Search Continues For Missing Dog Owner

PORTLAND, OR

Authorities were called onto the scene of a reported missing persons distress call earlier this afternoon by Oregon canine, Pickles.  ANNT reporter, Darien Clark, on the scene of the disturbance has confirmed that Pickles, after calling police forces to the point of last sighting, has waited outside of the downtown Trader Joes, softly whimpering, for “what feels like six days” in hopes of seeing her owner walk out of the store.  Although city law enforcement as a whole remain outwardly optimistic, the worried looks on the individual faces of Portland’s finest at the scene tell volumes. Owner, Morgan Samson has been officially declared missing now for almost twenty minutes.

Supporters remain hopeful.  The vigil for
Morgan Samson's safe return has run straight for almost
four minutes.  Distressed dog, Pickles (pictured),
turns to prayer and graciously thanks all for the united positivity.

“I’m trying to remain hopeful, but I know that with every second that passes, our chances of finding [owner] Morgan [Samson] grow dimmer and dimmer.  I just keep kicking myself over the whole thing.  Morgan tried to walk in with me and the management told her that there were no dogs allowed.  She tied me up out here and I haven’t seen her sense.  It feels like it’s been days,” Pickles tells ANNT, holding back a howl, “weeks even.”

Ms. Clark reports that local dogs, tied up next to Pickles, have held a round-the-clock candle light vigil as the police search continues.  “The support flooding in from everywhere has been incredible. I love to see the community come together like this;” bemoans Pickles, “I just wish it were under better circumstances.  I'd like to thank everyone for their prayers.”