High Speed Chase Continues Through Huntington Beach

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA

Local witness, Margaret Hatch
"You think you're safe in your own
neighborhood and then something like
this happens. I hope they catch them."

        Huntington Beach Police remain baffled as they continue the search for high speed chase initiate and local squirrel, Barton Rodriguez. 

        Reports started streaming in yesterday to ANNT Headquarters of a chase between two local squirrels that started in what early accounts defined as “horse play and fun” that quickly escalated into a full-on chase that lasted for upwards of 4 hours; the participants stopping only once to gather ground nuts and a french fry, the latter of which was stolen directly from local witness, Marty Henderson’s discarded McDonalds bag.

        If caught and convicted, Barton Rodriguez will face charges of robbery and evading police forces. The other squirrel involved is, as of yet, unidentified. 

Police Arrest 29 In Child Porn Sweep; Seven Filmed Puppies Finally Sent Home

TAMPA, FL

Shocking footage released just this morning by Tampa
Police, censored by ANNT

A child pornography sweep in the Tampa Bay area has netted 29 arrests and led to the rescue of seven puppies who said they were put in an excruciatingly plush pin with ample chew toys, biscuits & miniature soccer balls, and made to play for days on end, constantly being filmed against their will.

Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum and agency heads were in Tampa on Monday to announce the arrests, which included three stoned college students, fourteen bored employees of a leading advertising firm and a military police officer stationed at MacDill Air Force Base.

Sixteen agencies were involved in the sweep that began Feb. 8 and finished just this morning. Officials said thousands of accumulated hours of “painfully cute” puppy cam footage were found.

Eric Breensberg, a special agent with U.S. Immigration and Animal Enforcement, said those arrested in the sweep included "the absolute worst people ever.  Really.  Just impossibly terrible people.”

Local Goldfish Is Labeled "Unreliable Witness," Pulled From Murder Trial

Courtroom sketch taken just before sole witness: Gladys Ann Churchwood,
Goldfish, proclaimed "He was wearing a hat I think... no, he had an apple in his-
Wait. What was I saying? Where am I?" Mrs. Churchwood was, at length, dismissed
from the case, on the grounds that her memory span caps out at 35 seconds.
Defense attorneys are currently looking for alternative means of fulfilling their case. 

PANIC IN PORTLAND: Police Search Continues For Missing Dog Owner

PORTLAND, OR

Authorities were called onto the scene of a reported missing persons distress call earlier this afternoon by Oregon canine, Pickles.  ANNT reporter, Darien Clark, on the scene of the disturbance has confirmed that Pickles, after calling police forces to the point of last sighting, has waited outside of the downtown Trader Joes, softly whimpering, for “what feels like six days” in hopes of seeing her owner walk out of the store.  Although city law enforcement as a whole remain outwardly optimistic, the worried looks on the individual faces of Portland’s finest at the scene tell volumes. Owner, Morgan Samson has been officially declared missing now for almost twenty minutes.

Supporters remain hopeful.  The vigil for
Morgan Samson's safe return has run straight for almost
four minutes.  Distressed dog, Pickles (pictured),
turns to prayer and graciously thanks all for the united positivity.

“I’m trying to remain hopeful, but I know that with every second that passes, our chances of finding [owner] Morgan [Samson] grow dimmer and dimmer.  I just keep kicking myself over the whole thing.  Morgan tried to walk in with me and the management told her that there were no dogs allowed.  She tied me up out here and I haven’t seen her sense.  It feels like it’s been days,” Pickles tells ANNT, holding back a howl, “weeks even.”

Ms. Clark reports that local dogs, tied up next to Pickles, have held a round-the-clock candle light vigil as the police search continues.  “The support flooding in from everywhere has been incredible. I love to see the community come together like this;” bemoans Pickles, “I just wish it were under better circumstances.  I'd like to thank everyone for their prayers.”  

Oklahoma University Declares In The Name Of Science, “This Is Bullshit;” Llama Community Rejoices

PONCA CITY, OK

From left to right: Police Rendered Sketch of Minotaur and
regular bull. Citizens are asked to be on the look out for either.  

Oklahoma University Agricultural Scientists have found definitive evidence that a massive excrement deposit, found earlier this week on local farmer, Mr. Curtis Gladstone’s front porch can indeed be traced back to Bos Taurus roots, freeing local llama, Harry McDungeon Sr., from further police questioning as well as any and all charges of trespassing with the intent of vandalism.  The accumulation in question has fueled local disputes amongst specialty groups throughout the region for upwards of one week.
                “When the conglomeration of ‘night soil’ was first reported,” Lafreniére, head researcher on the case explains, “We were all very excited down at the lab. We’d never seen such a sizeable specimen…  It was really a testament to the power of nature.  After the conclusion of all tests, we can safely say that the pile in question hails from either a adolescent to full-grown bull or a minotaur of similar age.”
                “I’m just glad we know this is all bullshit,” Police spokesman Paul Buchenney declared in a press conference this afternoon, “And rest assured to the fine citizens of Ponca City, the perpetrator at large will be caught.  This shit will not stand for the fine people of Ponca City.  We’re on your tail, buddy.”
                Oklahoma border control has been asked to monitor and regulate all trans-state bovine or half-breed movement; citizens are asked to remain on the look out and report any strange or seemingly out of place amassments of ejectamenta, or mythical creatures hailing from any classification immediately.
                “We’re going to catch this guy with his pants down” says Sherriff Matt Marksett, “with his pants down.” 

Obesity Rate Skyrockets amongst American Dog Population; Local Affected Dogs Think It’s “Awesome”

LOS ANGELES, CA

The Association For Pet Obesity Prevention estimates that the obesity rate among America’s dogs has been on the rise for years, topping off at a record high this year of 78%.  Thanks to the introduction of “trans fats” into standard dog kibble, the influx of irrational and projecting pet owners and the ever increasing chemical enhancement of dog treats such as Beggin© Strips, America’s dog population is at an all-time high risk of diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure and other diseases.

Chowface.

“What an awesome time to be a dog,” declares Dozer, a French Bulldog-Schnauzer mix. “Oh God. Everything tastes amazing! I wake up every morning, just happy to be here. Our quality of life has really improved.”

“It used to be that the American Dream involved working hard your entire life and working your way up from rags to riches,” says Chowface, a canine based out of Metro Los Angeles, “The American Dream of today, and for my generation, is to wake up, do nothing and get rewarded for it with food. It’s my right to eat what I want, when I want and how ever much I want of it; America has finally lived up to it’s title. This is truly the land of the free.”

Most of the dogs interviewed, when given the option between a bowl of lean protein based kibble or a slow cooker filled with melted butter naturally gravitated towards the latter, ANNT Scientist Team Member, Darien Clark affirms.  A recent finding, in fact, concludes that dogs have no internal compass as far as nutrition is concerned. “I know there are consequences of my actions,” Chowface continues, lying on his side due to stomach ulcer-induced cramps, butter slowly dripping down his snout, “but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. It’s my American right to eat whatever I want and my American choice as to whether or not I have to go fetch that ball; and you know what? I never fetch it.”   

Fly-On-The-Wall Steps Down From Highly Coveted Position, Due To Self-Diagnosed “Trauma”

RENO, NV

"You want my job? Take it ----!You think you do,
Until you see what this world is really about. It's
not pretty, Man! It's not ---- pretty, or nice or special.
There is no God and I can prove it," Mr. Henry T.
Marksman, Fly On The Wall, yelled at passers-by,
gawking as the fly was escorted out of the court
room, early Monday morning.  

                Monday morning, Henry T. Marksman announced his Antliophora Committee retirement.  His claim was that the associated stresses of his position were causing physical and mental duress.  Mr. Marksman’s resignation is following suit in a recent trend of houseflies stepping down from the highly coveted position, causing concerns to rise amongst the fly community in regard to the working conditions and overall state of humanity.
                Although no public statement has been made on behalf of the Antliophora Committee, the group responsible for monitoring and regulating the Anthomyiid [House Flies] involvement and relationship with the non-fly sector of the population, ANNT’s Chief of “Insecta” Communications Director, Darien Clark, was able to get obtain a short interview with ex-committee member Marksman.
                When asked to cite his earlier statement from this morning in regard to the specific “stresses” mentioned, Mr. Marksman articulated at length on the certain unforeseeable depths that humanity has found itself.  “Witnessing the absolute floor-level of society has sent me, mentally, to places no one should ever find themselves; ever….  I mean, have you ever seen forced cannibalism… I didn’t think so.  You can tell when someone has seen something like that.”
                Sources close to Mr. Marksman, however, believe that his recent abdication may be part of a long staged legal battle the Ex-Committee Head has faced since the ruling of a Good Samaritan Lawsuit filed against the fly in early December of 2007. Public Records indicate that Mr. Marksman was accused guilty of witnessing not only first-degree murder, but also extortion, conspiracy, assault and illegal music downloading.  Mr. Marksman’s defense attorney dictated that, at the time of the alleged incidents, his client tried “frantically” to find an open window, from which to escape to inform the authorities. When Mr. Marksman was unable to initially find an open window, he tried again at the first window, in hopes of a different outcome. Failing that, he then tried the kitchen window again, “just in case.”
                Henry Marksman declined any comment in regard to the 2007 ruling, in our initial interview, citing the question as “irrelevant to anything that has ever mattered in the history of the world.”