NAACP to Birds Of A Feather Union: "Drop Your Discrimination Agenda"

AMERICA, USA

"If it's a choice between fight or flight, we'll do both."
Cherry Maynard, on behalf of the Birds Of A Feather. 

Following a series of statements made by Union Head, Cherry Maynard to TIME Magazine, the NAACP has stepped up to bat with the long-established B.O.F. Union, pressuring a change in leadership as well as an official refurbishment of its noted slogan, from “Birds Of A Feather Stick Together” to “Birds: A United Front Of Aviation.”

Cherry Maynard, presumably on behalf of the union she represents, has publicly maintained that she, nor her 191,000 card-carrying members will back down from her potentially damaging statements made on eagles, large insects and flamingos bred in captivity, on the grounds of historical association, "time honored tradition" and basic First Amendment Rights.

“My grandfather’s grandfather’s grandfather held the same values I do today. I refuse to be criminalized and degraded over Reverend Al Sharpton’s accusation of ‘discrimination’”

After much cyber-bullying, Reverend Al Sharpton refused comment to ANNT staff writer, Darien Clark.   

Family Of Birds Shocked By Surprise Eviction Notice From Christian Bale’s Beard

LOS ANGELES, CA

Picture from just four days ago. All parties
appear accepting of the living situation.

        Nightmares came true Wednesday morning for the Hatchers, a family of birds, who found themselves with an unexplained Notice of Eviction from local actor, Christian Bale, who claimed that his beard was to be renovated into condominiums, well out of the price range for the effected family. The hand-written note came without proper procedural documentation from Mr. Bale, who’s lawyers have declined comment to ANNT. Suddenly finding themselves homeless and confused, the Hatchers are taking the actor to court.

        “[Mr. Bale] has always treated us with respect and had, over all, maintained an open communication about all tenant issues. This was such a shock,” Linda Hatcher says through bridled tears, “We’ve been through so much together.”

        Mr. Bale’s security guard, when confronted by ANNT Celebrity and Avian Rights Correspondent, Darien Clark, quickly denied all allocations and insinuated that Miss Clark was “trespassing on private property.” Darien Clark, retorted that it was “in the name of Justice, something ‘The Batman’ should understand,” right before she was forcibly extracted from the Malibu estate late last night.

        The Hatchers, while waiting for, said, Justice have found a new home in Robin William’s chest hair. “He’s a beautiful man,” says Mrs. Hatcher, “A charitable, giving and beautiful man."

Wolf Scheduled To Appear In Court Over Copyright Dispute With Williamsburgh, Brooklyn

NEW YORK, NY

One of the many pieces of filed evidence where wolf, Edgar
Wingett, has pointed out the illegal use of his likeness.

        Howling Wolf, Edgar Wingett, is seeking legal action against the entire Brooklyn neighborhood of Williamsburgh over alleged copyright infringement and illegal mobilization of shirts with Mr. Wingett’s image screen-printed across the breast of the tee shirt.

        “I own all rights to my image and likeness from that photo shoot,” Mr. Wingett has gone on record as saying. “Any and all use of that image has to pay royalties to my Estate. When I personally visited Brooklyn and saw the perpetrators, I think people were screaming because they knew I was there and I was not happy with the illegal use of my image. Point blank: I will get what is mine.”

        NYPD and Animal Control Services were quickly called onto the scene and, allegedly, Mr. Wingett and his family: wife, Marsha Wingett, and cubs: Lucy, Kyle and Marshall were quickly chased out of the borough and told to never come back. Neither government department gave confirmation of any events involving Mr. Wingett, or the alleged verbal abuse of the pack. 

        “That wolf is über critical, acute and consummately suffocating,” says Williamsburgh legal representation, Mr. Gabriel “Ethno” Giai-Martinez. “like, for totes."

        Mr. Wingett is scheduled to commence court proceedings on April 19^th, assuming Williamsburgh deems the date significant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-life-and-living enough to attend.    

High Speed Chase Continues Through Huntington Beach

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA

Local witness, Margaret Hatch
"You think you're safe in your own
neighborhood and then something like
this happens. I hope they catch them."

        Huntington Beach Police remain baffled as they continue the search for high speed chase initiate and local squirrel, Barton Rodriguez. 

        Reports started streaming in yesterday to ANNT Headquarters of a chase between two local squirrels that started in what early accounts defined as “horse play and fun” that quickly escalated into a full-on chase that lasted for upwards of 4 hours; the participants stopping only once to gather ground nuts and a french fry, the latter of which was stolen directly from local witness, Marty Henderson’s discarded McDonalds bag.

        If caught and convicted, Barton Rodriguez will face charges of robbery and evading police forces. The other squirrel involved is, as of yet, unidentified. 

Police Arrest 29 In Child Porn Sweep; Seven Filmed Puppies Finally Sent Home

TAMPA, FL

Shocking footage released just this morning by Tampa
Police, censored by ANNT

A child pornography sweep in the Tampa Bay area has netted 29 arrests and led to the rescue of seven puppies who said they were put in an excruciatingly plush pin with ample chew toys, biscuits & miniature soccer balls, and made to play for days on end, constantly being filmed against their will.

Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum and agency heads were in Tampa on Monday to announce the arrests, which included three stoned college students, fourteen bored employees of a leading advertising firm and a military police officer stationed at MacDill Air Force Base.

Sixteen agencies were involved in the sweep that began Feb. 8 and finished just this morning. Officials said thousands of accumulated hours of “painfully cute” puppy cam footage were found.

Eric Breensberg, a special agent with U.S. Immigration and Animal Enforcement, said those arrested in the sweep included "the absolute worst people ever.  Really.  Just impossibly terrible people.”

Local Goldfish Is Labeled "Unreliable Witness," Pulled From Murder Trial

Courtroom sketch taken just before sole witness: Gladys Ann Churchwood,
Goldfish, proclaimed "He was wearing a hat I think... no, he had an apple in his-
Wait. What was I saying? Where am I?" Mrs. Churchwood was, at length, dismissed
from the case, on the grounds that her memory span caps out at 35 seconds.
Defense attorneys are currently looking for alternative means of fulfilling their case. 

PANIC IN PORTLAND: Police Search Continues For Missing Dog Owner

PORTLAND, OR

Authorities were called onto the scene of a reported missing persons distress call earlier this afternoon by Oregon canine, Pickles.  ANNT reporter, Darien Clark, on the scene of the disturbance has confirmed that Pickles, after calling police forces to the point of last sighting, has waited outside of the downtown Trader Joes, softly whimpering, for “what feels like six days” in hopes of seeing her owner walk out of the store.  Although city law enforcement as a whole remain outwardly optimistic, the worried looks on the individual faces of Portland’s finest at the scene tell volumes. Owner, Morgan Samson has been officially declared missing now for almost twenty minutes.

Supporters remain hopeful.  The vigil for
Morgan Samson's safe return has run straight for almost
four minutes.  Distressed dog, Pickles (pictured),
turns to prayer and graciously thanks all for the united positivity.

“I’m trying to remain hopeful, but I know that with every second that passes, our chances of finding [owner] Morgan [Samson] grow dimmer and dimmer.  I just keep kicking myself over the whole thing.  Morgan tried to walk in with me and the management told her that there were no dogs allowed.  She tied me up out here and I haven’t seen her sense.  It feels like it’s been days,” Pickles tells ANNT, holding back a howl, “weeks even.”

Ms. Clark reports that local dogs, tied up next to Pickles, have held a round-the-clock candle light vigil as the police search continues.  “The support flooding in from everywhere has been incredible. I love to see the community come together like this;” bemoans Pickles, “I just wish it were under better circumstances.  I'd like to thank everyone for their prayers.”  

Oklahoma University Declares In The Name Of Science, “This Is Bullshit;” Llama Community Rejoices

PONCA CITY, OK

From left to right: Police Rendered Sketch of Minotaur and
regular bull. Citizens are asked to be on the look out for either.  

Oklahoma University Agricultural Scientists have found definitive evidence that a massive excrement deposit, found earlier this week on local farmer, Mr. Curtis Gladstone’s front porch can indeed be traced back to Bos Taurus roots, freeing local llama, Harry McDungeon Sr., from further police questioning as well as any and all charges of trespassing with the intent of vandalism.  The accumulation in question has fueled local disputes amongst specialty groups throughout the region for upwards of one week.
                “When the conglomeration of ‘night soil’ was first reported,” Lafreniére, head researcher on the case explains, “We were all very excited down at the lab. We’d never seen such a sizeable specimen…  It was really a testament to the power of nature.  After the conclusion of all tests, we can safely say that the pile in question hails from either a adolescent to full-grown bull or a minotaur of similar age.”
                “I’m just glad we know this is all bullshit,” Police spokesman Paul Buchenney declared in a press conference this afternoon, “And rest assured to the fine citizens of Ponca City, the perpetrator at large will be caught.  This shit will not stand for the fine people of Ponca City.  We’re on your tail, buddy.”
                Oklahoma border control has been asked to monitor and regulate all trans-state bovine or half-breed movement; citizens are asked to remain on the look out and report any strange or seemingly out of place amassments of ejectamenta, or mythical creatures hailing from any classification immediately.
                “We’re going to catch this guy with his pants down” says Sherriff Matt Marksett, “with his pants down.” 

Obesity Rate Skyrockets amongst American Dog Population; Local Affected Dogs Think It’s “Awesome”

LOS ANGELES, CA

The Association For Pet Obesity Prevention estimates that the obesity rate among America’s dogs has been on the rise for years, topping off at a record high this year of 78%.  Thanks to the introduction of “trans fats” into standard dog kibble, the influx of irrational and projecting pet owners and the ever increasing chemical enhancement of dog treats such as Beggin© Strips, America’s dog population is at an all-time high risk of diabetes, arthritis, high blood pressure and other diseases.

Chowface.

“What an awesome time to be a dog,” declares Dozer, a French Bulldog-Schnauzer mix. “Oh God. Everything tastes amazing! I wake up every morning, just happy to be here. Our quality of life has really improved.”

“It used to be that the American Dream involved working hard your entire life and working your way up from rags to riches,” says Chowface, a canine based out of Metro Los Angeles, “The American Dream of today, and for my generation, is to wake up, do nothing and get rewarded for it with food. It’s my right to eat what I want, when I want and how ever much I want of it; America has finally lived up to it’s title. This is truly the land of the free.”

Most of the dogs interviewed, when given the option between a bowl of lean protein based kibble or a slow cooker filled with melted butter naturally gravitated towards the latter, ANNT Scientist Team Member, Darien Clark affirms.  A recent finding, in fact, concludes that dogs have no internal compass as far as nutrition is concerned. “I know there are consequences of my actions,” Chowface continues, lying on his side due to stomach ulcer-induced cramps, butter slowly dripping down his snout, “but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. It’s my American right to eat whatever I want and my American choice as to whether or not I have to go fetch that ball; and you know what? I never fetch it.”   

Fly-On-The-Wall Steps Down From Highly Coveted Position, Due To Self-Diagnosed “Trauma”

RENO, NV

"You want my job? Take it ----!You think you do,
Until you see what this world is really about. It's
not pretty, Man! It's not ---- pretty, or nice or special.
There is no God and I can prove it," Mr. Henry T.
Marksman, Fly On The Wall, yelled at passers-by,
gawking as the fly was escorted out of the court
room, early Monday morning.  

                Monday morning, Henry T. Marksman announced his Antliophora Committee retirement.  His claim was that the associated stresses of his position were causing physical and mental duress.  Mr. Marksman’s resignation is following suit in a recent trend of houseflies stepping down from the highly coveted position, causing concerns to rise amongst the fly community in regard to the working conditions and overall state of humanity.
                Although no public statement has been made on behalf of the Antliophora Committee, the group responsible for monitoring and regulating the Anthomyiid [House Flies] involvement and relationship with the non-fly sector of the population, ANNT’s Chief of “Insecta” Communications Director, Darien Clark, was able to get obtain a short interview with ex-committee member Marksman.
                When asked to cite his earlier statement from this morning in regard to the specific “stresses” mentioned, Mr. Marksman articulated at length on the certain unforeseeable depths that humanity has found itself.  “Witnessing the absolute floor-level of society has sent me, mentally, to places no one should ever find themselves; ever….  I mean, have you ever seen forced cannibalism… I didn’t think so.  You can tell when someone has seen something like that.”
                Sources close to Mr. Marksman, however, believe that his recent abdication may be part of a long staged legal battle the Ex-Committee Head has faced since the ruling of a Good Samaritan Lawsuit filed against the fly in early December of 2007. Public Records indicate that Mr. Marksman was accused guilty of witnessing not only first-degree murder, but also extortion, conspiracy, assault and illegal music downloading.  Mr. Marksman’s defense attorney dictated that, at the time of the alleged incidents, his client tried “frantically” to find an open window, from which to escape to inform the authorities. When Mr. Marksman was unable to initially find an open window, he tried again at the first window, in hopes of a different outcome. Failing that, he then tried the kitchen window again, “just in case.”
                Henry Marksman declined any comment in regard to the 2007 ruling, in our initial interview, citing the question as “irrelevant to anything that has ever mattered in the history of the world.”

Political Newcomer, Speckles Is Front Runner In Local Tennessee Election

COTTAGE GROVE, TN

University of Tennessee Political Science 

Professor, Dr. Daniel Young states that 

Speckles’ relaxed demeanor and apparent

 optimism appeal to the voters of today.            

County and State officials remain baffled as local horse, Speckles, continues to dominate pre-election polls.

            “This horse has no political background, no notion of the issues our county faces and, frankly, I would be utterly surprised to hear that he has any level of collegiate education, or any comparable trade school diploma,” local incumbent City Council Leader, Dutch Sniper has stated on public record and in his various ad campaigns. “And he's a horse… Am I the only one that sees that?”

            Cottage Grove horse advocate groups have stepped out, staking claim against Councilman Sniper's apparent prejudice in the matter, gaining public backing and polarizing voter demographics all over the county. Staging protests outside Councilman Dutch Sniper's private residence and sit-ins at the local Wal-Mart, outspoken equestrian rights group, Horse Organizations Requesting Social Equality (HORSE) has made their point loud and clear by recruiting voters from all walks of life.             

            “It just feels so good to wake up and feel like I'm making a difference,” Chase Atkins exclaims on the picket line outside Councilman Snipers property line, holding up a sign that reads: GOD DOESN'T HATE STAGS. GOD HATES YOU, DUTCH SNIPER. “I feel like Malcolm X, except with horses. Equus Americans are equal citizens and should be treated as such. The fact that such prejudice and hate is tolerated on a public level is absolutely disgusting. It makes me sick to my stomach,” he says, lighting a smoke bomb.

            Speckles did not give recorded comment, but seems very excited over the entire political progress. His representative and campaign manager, local tobacco farmer, David McAlister, went on record as stating “I'm just [pleased] the public has really taken to the idea. It's been really nice to see the community come together. If that isn't a testament to democracy, I don't know what is,” he takes off his hat, “I've gotten a lot of drinks bought for me in the past few weeks; Mainly because I signed my horse up for public office, but also because of Democracy.”

            Dutch Sniper, in his most recent public statement proclaimed, moonshine jug in hand, “You're all a bunch of --- fools. It's a God --- horse, y'all! Jesus Christ!” 

Fifty-Seven Dead Bodies Found On Kitchen Counter

RIVIERA BEACH, FL

Riviera Beach Forensic Services inspect the home
mound of the nearly sixty victims, found dead Friday morning. 

South Florida authorities are currently at the scene of an apparent murder that has left as many as fifty-seven ants dead on the kitchen counter.

Riviera Beach Police spokeswoman Monica LaRenta-Cruz says a police officer was checking a suspicious vehicle early Friday morning when he heard what sounded like a muffled “ah geez” coming from a nearby apartment complex. When the officer left the vehicle and approached the home, he reported smelling the distinctive odor of insecticide and promptly called for backup.

“I know that smell,” Officer Ted Tawney confided with ANNT, “And it’s never good… It wasn’t pretty in there.”

Inside the home, officers found the bodies of nearly sixty ants, believed to be between the ages of 10 and 65 days. Two survivors were found, but early reports indicate one died in the ambulance while the other died an hour and a half later at the local hospital.

The couple occupying the apartment claim to have no affiliation with any of the victims and deny having any knowledge of the incident. Police forces have taken the couple into custody and are unable to release the names and identities of either suspect until further questioning is completed.

“This is just senseless,” a representative from the ant community in the backyard of the apartment complex has publicly stated, “just senseless.” 

Local Celebrity Punxsutawney Phil Arrested After Alleged Drunken Bar Fight

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA

Police say local "hero" Punxsutawney Phil is convicted of
assault, conspiracy and public drunkenness. He is currently
released on bail and scheduled to appear in
public court July 16th, 2011.

Local Police forces were alerted Wednesday evening to a public disturbance claim at local-favorite bar, The Groundhog Brewery, where patrons reportedly witnessed State Hero Punxsutawney “Punxy” Phil drunkenly making outrageous claims and threatening citizens with a broken beer bottle and other makeshift weaponry.

            Police reports state that, at the time of arrest, P. Phil was drunk in public and threatening manslaughter of an area woman, Marsha Pedderson.  The threatened violence was apparently provoked after Punxsutawney Phil put his paw around local sports fan, Harry Barrett, and claimed to have more followers on Twitter than the celebrated Steelers Strong Safety, Troy Polamalu. Harrison Barrett, referencing his smart phone, informed "Punxy" Phil that his claim was unwarranted and false.  Allegedly, Punxsutawney Phil then broke a pool stick, mounted the bar, and wildly described the citizens of Punxsutawney as “blinded sheep.”

            “He kept on yelling about complex weather patterns and self-handedly holding the state of Pennsylvania afloat. He also brought the local Shriners chapter into things, screaming that we weren't supposed to lift the veil, or something like that,” eyewitnesses report. “He was crazed.” 

            “Punxsutawney Phil broke a pool stick into a jagged point and held it to my throat. He threatened to bite off my right breast and then stab my throat.  He also groped my private, as my husband was forced to watch.  He kept on saying that I was a cog...  That was when someone decided to call the authorities.  It was terrifying,” victim Marsha Pedderson is on record as saying, “I think I'll get my seasonal forecast from the Farmer's Almanac, next year.”

            Punxsutawney Phil, released on bail by his wife, has declined to comment on the allegations. Likewise, all members of The Inner Circle, the Shriners affiliate group responsible for the yearly festival, have declined any comment with ANNT.

            “That groundhog is ------ crazy.  Respect women, guys. Punxy and I have alot to talk about for sure. See you all Sunday!” exclaims Troy Polamalu, via Twitter.